Sawatdi bi mai, or HAPPY NEW YEAR!

A few obvious hints dropped by well meaning friends over the past couple of weeks to "update" this blog got me thinking about what I'd write if I actually sat down to lay it all out.  So many things came to mind that I had a sort of 'analysis paralysis' attack, and if you know me well, you know what a disaster that can be.  So I have been putting this blog off for several reasons, not the least of which was to save myself from having to sort through the last couple of months to find a theme, a topic, or even just an idea that I could articulate.But, then I realized that with all the constant change that we've been going through, and the upcoming changes as well, the only consistency that I can identify has been the inconsistency of our "home."  We left a home to make a home here, and are now leaving this home to make a home somewhere else.  In all of this, the kids and I are sometimes caught feeling like we're a guest in our own dwelling.
I love that Chinese expression (at least, a fortune cookie I once had attributed it to the Chinese), that "a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step."  The thing is, tho, that expression assumes that a journey is a linear event, with a closed distance and measurable markers.  An example of that kind of journey would be driving along a highway and using the mile markers as your benchmarks.  "I'll stop to pee and gas up in 30 more miles," or "Yes, Cracker Barrel in 15 miles..."  Or even, "HOME in 500 miles!"
But the best, most worthwhile journeys we've all taken can't be reduced to such quantifiable and mapable (if that's not a word, let it be known, from henceforth, 'mapable' is a word) measures.  At 41, I can look back and see where I have extricated myself from places I've been with a single step, but that the journey I then embarked upon was longer, more complex, and covered greater distances each time than I could have imagined.  And usually, at one point or another, I was waylaid, detoured, even completely diverted from where I thought I was headed.  And at no point am I sorry about any of that.
So I thought, well, to be cliche, I could just be all meta-analytical about the changes that 2011 brought, or waxing philosophical about the coming changes of 2012, but instead, I just want to express my complete amazement that even after 41 years of incredible and unexpected journeys, I'm still enough of an asshole to think I can still chart my own course and see the future.  I still think that when I take that single step of what I know is out of something, with a quick consultation of my map of expectations and calculation of the distance to arrival point, I can of course also predict when I can expect to get there, as if I'm driving from DC to Jersey (hollah, Reimers!).
Case in point:  A year ago, I set about making myself known to this school here in Bangkok.  Then a few months later, I ended up taking a helicopter down to the bottom of the Grand Canyon to accept a job offer with the Havasupai Indian Reservation.  That's when I started this blog.  Some people I saw over the last couple of weeks in the states were shocked to hear that all this time I've been in Thailand, not Arizona (clearly, they're not on Facebook).  Because at the last minute, I was rerouted to this school here in Bangkok after all.  Go figure.  Did I learn anything?  Did I embrace the fact that one cannot truly predict our destination when take that first of a thousand (or more) steps?  Nope.
A month ago, my principal came to me with the news that I would not have a contract in this coming year.  As a special, late hire, my contract was only for this year, and continuation was contingent upon budget and enrollment.  Neither the budget nor enrollment for the coming year looked promising to him, so he told me this now so I could begin planning my next step.  My single step of a thousand miles, on a new journey.  A quick check of the map, my budget, and talking with the kids, and our plans have now changed to that of moving to Rock Hill, SC with my sister Jessie.  But where we end up I suppose is where we end up.  How we get there, the route and the obstacles, are yet unknown.  Where I work, where the kids attend school, how I will navigate the divorce and custody with Adam, and so many other things that I can't even wrap my head around right now.  Daunting?  Try, fucking daunting.
I am happy to enjoy the results of years of amibtious stepping, of confused and bewildered stepping, of nervous and cautious stepping, and of bold, courageous and defiant stepping as well.  I know that where I am right now is one step further than I was before and one step away from where I'll be, and I'm trying to embrace finally the idea that until I need to take that single next step, where I am is the result of all my efforts and the springboard for what is to come.

That said, all that cloying feel good sentiment as genuine as it is, I'm still tempted to take Talia's Snufflebunny from her while she's sleeping and curl up with it myself, as the expression "scared shitless" sometimes comes to mind.  Such a simple remedy, but one that yields about as much productivity as laying awake in bed wondering why I haven't figured out what this whole "BEING HERE" thing is and how it works, really.  Because I'd really like to know for sure where we're going to be.  It really would be so nice to see on map where my kids get to go to a decent school and I get a job that will pay the cookie bills, without having to ask Adam for anything but that he'd figure out what being a Dad actually means to his kids.  There'd be little icons that show where perhaps I can get really nice vistas of safety, joy and gratification.  But I know I'm not alone in this.  I know there are friends who want an icon that says their Cancer is gone, or that their loan is approved, or their husband comes home from the war zone.  There are an infinite number of little icons we would add to our maps if we could, but admittedly (every once in awhile) we can't.

So off we all go, at various times from various places, taking our single steps.  I'm just glad that at some point, long ago or recently, or both, our paths crossed.  Because if you've stuck with me through out this whole blog blah blah, then most likely, you're sticking with me through this journey and you are much appreciated.  Who needs Snufflebunny when one has such good friends.  Thanks for asking for this.  I'm so glad our paths have crossed.