The Great Universe Conspiracy

In his book The Alchemist, Paolo Coelho brings up the notion that regardless of race, creed, religious prescription, so forth, the Universe is engaged in this mighty conspiracy-for our happiness.  I think we find that in most folk tales, myths, and even modern popular religous ideology, we accept this notion, although we call it different things- Divine Providence, the Hand of God, Fate, Destiny, we tout that metaphor of God closing a door but opening a window...in all of those examples, you find both personal and impersonal justification for the change of events, the sudden change of mind, obstacles and road blocks that send you on a detour to some place safer perhaps, or beautiful, or life changing.  Personally, I like Coelho's idea that the Universe is somewhat devious, subversive, and sneaky about finding ways to please us, protect us, and ultimately bring joy.  It's the best possible conspiracy theory I've ever heard of- because I'm not the type of person to go asking for things.  I don't pray.  I don't light incense or make merit.  I don't throw coins into fountains or even play the lottery.
And yet, my life is full of things for which I am astoundingly thankful.  Things that, left to my own devices, would be like those lopsided "mugs" I made in pottery class, or the dried up, weedy yard I neglected despite my best intentions to produce the greenest yard in America.
So it's with this attitude that I am explaining my recent, sudden, change of plans.

My last blog explained that the job in Arizona was beginning to look a little tangled and complex.  In fact, over the days following that post, I found out several things that I had not expected.  One, you can't get to Supai and escape oppressive bureaucracies without passing through the MOTHER of all bureaucratic gauntlets:  I needed to be fingerprinted by the Department of Public Safety in AZ, then when that was complete, I could only then apply for an AZ teaching certificate, when I had the certificate in hand, only then could I get fingerprinted (again) by the Bureau of Indian Education.  Only after the completion of these three things, could I have a contract.  Only with a contract, could I moved to Supai.  Barring any other unexpected requirements, I wasn't going to land in Supai until October.  Key point- that is only if any other unexpected hoops didn't appear.

At first, I thought-fuck.

Then I thought, ok, I really want this, so I can make it work by....(insert creative, optimistic, and heartfelt plans).

During a moment of deconstructed resolution, I contacted my second choice option- the International School of Bangkok.  I'd interviewed with them in May, but they didn't have a position available.  Chances were, they wouldn't either until the following year.  But when I emailed the Principal and inquired about a possible change, within four days I was fast tracked through the screening process and the next thing I knew, was talking to a delightful man who claimed to be the Deputy Head of School, who offered me a job.

I need to take a second to share with you the irony of this change.  Among international educators, a job at the International School of Bangkok is one of the most coveted positions out there.  It's one of the best international schools in the world, and to be the best, they give the best incentive package as well.  The only way to describe this change of events was summed up by my friend Greg.  He said, "so, you're going from a third world school in a first world country to a first world school in a third world county."  From Supai to Bangkok, in 4 days, can only be one of those conspiracies engineered by that nutty Universe.

So, you might be wondering, if I'm happier or still festering in disappointment.  My only response to that question is the same one I give to my boys, when they insist on determining which of them I love more than the other.  I love them both, for different reasons.  Supai, for it's raw, natural beauty, simplicity, isolation and great challenge that it would offer the kids through which they would examine who they are in this world of ours.  Bangkok, for it's excellent education, position as the hub of SE Asia and all that entails, ease and familiarity of language and culture, and opportunity for my kids to explore their cultural, linguistic heritage and grow close to their Thai family members who will be living within a stones throw of where we will be living (my RPCV friends will understand why I appreciate that the living quarters are in a gated community, so those "we're just dropping by" visits at unexpected times are out of the question).

So, suffice it to say, the Universe continues to conspire for our happiness, in ways that will always keep us on our toes.  I am willingly accepting this change, as I believe that by throwing your life against the wall to see what sticks is only half the fun (and really ONLY fun if it makes a big mess).  The other half is letting go of the sense that you're in this alone.  There really is a method to the madness that I determine to be the way I live my life, and I'm happy to say that in either case, what's sticks is the undeniable fact that my friends get me and honor the choices I make in life, that my kids are super awesome and up for anything that is coming our way, and that while Adam and I are facing a separation that is not coincidental with our departure, we are still able to rally that spirit of collaboration and friendship in order to make decisions together in the best interest of our children.

For those of you interested, here is a link to the school:  http://www.isb.ac.th/

As for me personally, I'm continuing to get my head around going back to Thailand, only this time as one of those expats I always scorned and snubbed.  Case in point:  I'm writing this in a Starbucks, and at one point when I got up to go to the bathroom I passed the shelf of coffee and coffee presses.  I thought, 'Oh man.  I'm going to have to stock up on those in order to avoid that instant coffee crap I was subjected to for 2 years.'  But then I remembered, in the gated community where they will house us and where the school is located, across the street from the school....is a Starbucks.

Test of patience

So what would you do if after you resigned from your job, and are putting your house up for sale (eh, at least going through the motions in this economy) and basically did that behemouth undertaking to turn your lifecourse in a new direction, and had just finalized all necessary plans and plane reservations to get there when you're supposed to report on August 8th...and then have someone in the business office say, "well, the red tape that is involved in a background check could last as long as the end of September, so you might have to wait that long to be able to move out here/get paid/get health insurance/register your kids in the school."

Seriously, what would you do?  I cried.  For just a few minutes, and then I talked it out with a friend (shout out, GM, thanks for letting me blubber).
See, if I were 20 and not 40, and single and not with 3 little, bright eyed dependents, I'd go to Guatemala or Mexico.  At least, that's what I have done in the past during these "spells" of flux and uncertainty.  So I took a moment to think about this crisis:  so what do you do in this situation when you have kids? 

Here are a few things I considered:

1.  Cancel everything.Call my boss, tell her I've dramatically changed my mind, and am staying in my current position. 
2. Cancel some of it. Move, still, but only as far as North Carolina.  Shack up near sis, start again there, and try to battle the economic demands that would probably keep me right where I am today.
3.  Freak out and pursue that other job offer in Bangkok.
4.  Freak out.
5.  Freak out.
6.  Freak out.

Or,
7.  Keep going forward and see what happens. 

After talking with the Superintendant of the BIE schools in that area, who hired me, and hearing how absolutely certain he was that he had the clout and superpowers to expedite the paperwork and would move heaven and earth to get me to the Rez on time, I did something that was really hard.  I put my trust in authority.  Options 1-6 above were mighty tempting, but option 7 really seemed to be the most rationale one.  And besides, the reason I cried in the first place was because my heart broke, because for a little bit there, I was seriously teetering on the side of FUCK THIS I'M NOT GOING THIS IS TOO MUCH TO DEAL WITH. 

I'm writing this in the blog, which thanks for reading by the way (it makes me feel like you're in this with me, friends), because I'm telling you, don't change your life unless you're ready to face the consequences.  There are some big ones, like your husband asking you why you're suddenly having a mid-life crisis, and people stepping back with looks of shock (and you wonder, are they contemplating calling CPS?  Cuz who does this to their kids?), and all those other things.  Like, look around your house.  Would you move now?  Yeesh.

But I'm also saying, if you're willing to take on those consequences because you believe that the promised land on the otherside of ambiguity is really flowing with milk and honey, and not the crap you're slogging through in your present life, then, go for it.  Because living life is more than just taking one breath after the other.  It's about reaching out to friends (shout out, AP, for assuring me we won't be homeless out West), and trusting in others when you are really just a diehard control freak, or acknowledging that giving up the sensation of control can be a relief to some degree, because you're trying to believe in something greater, more competent, than yourself.